Calling All Nice Guys: The end of a trilogy

So I have spent a few days ranting about my dating debacles and you may be wondering what exactly is it that this girl wants? Although it probably doesn’t come across in my post very well, I’m actually very easy to please. I do not have a long list of qualities I run down every time I meet a guy. I don’t care what color his hair is, although I’ve never actually dated a blond or a red head but I’m willing to try something new (haha). How much money he makes isn’t a factor either as long as he has a stable job and isn’t still paying rent on a room in his parent’s basement with the settlement money he unrightfully received from faking a neck injury after a fender bender two years ago.

I’m just looking for a nice guy. The kind of guy who doesn’t look out on the world wondering who he can screw over to get whatever it is he believes he deserves. The kind of guy that does not secretly believe women were put on this earth to serve his every desire because I’m not that great of a cook, I hate doing dishes and chances are I’ll shrink your clothes if you ask me to wash them. I know that some where out there are men who actually enjoy being in relationships and would consider themselves lucky to find a girl like me. Hey, I’m not saying I’m easy to live with but damn it I’m fun!

After we end a relationship with someone we tend to believe that there really was nothing good about them and they were totally wrong for us. However, looking at the situation rationally we realize that of course there were things that we adored about our love bugs even if those qualities were out weighed by the things we hated (wet towels on the floor, consistently late, bad BO; whatever). Someday I hope to stumble upon a man that has a peppering of all the things I cherished about my past others. I can be thankful for all the failures I’ve had because now I know who not to fall for even if the temptation is there.

I’m posting today to pass along what I have learned in hopes that you 20-something ladies out there will keep in it the back of your mind before agreeing to exchange numbers with the newest hottie.


I committed to the dark, introspective type

on and off for a few years and can tell you, they never grow out of it and spend far too much time questioning “the point of it all” to make room for a relationship. While this guy is emotionally intense and the physical intimacy may be enough to keep you coming back, the roller coaster mood swings will leave you begging to get off the ride. This guy falls in love quick which may sounds like a plus to a lot of chicas. But if he falls in love with you after a week, it’s guaranteed that he’ll also be loving his co-workers your friends and the girl working the check out at Shaws in no time flat.

PLUS: He’ll never run from the question “what are thinking”

MINUS: What he’s thinking is probably depressing enough to make Barney jump off a cliff.


The music lover, is just that. He might get you hot while he expounds upon the ground braking sound of some under ground band he’s discovered and can’t wait to take you too see. But he’ll probably leave you behind in the crowd for a chance to catch the drummer back stage and thinks that you actually enjoy spending four hours on your only free Saturday in weeks looking through old vinyl records at the local music shop. If you really do understand the significance of finding 1 of only 200 green vinyls of whatever punk band buried deep in a dusty box behind the pop music section, than you two will probably make great music together. If, however, you’re music needs are satisfied by playing spin the dial on the radio than you’ll probably spend a lot of your couple time defending your music choices against the snobbish remarks thrown at you by your honey.

PLUS: Your iPod playlists will never go stale and one day you may be watching MTV and the band you saw last summer in a dingy basement in God knows where will be debueting their new music video. You got a signed T-shirt and in a few weeks can sell it on eBay and pay off your car.

MINUS: Your emotional needs may never been quite as important as getting to a show. If you make plans for a night when Slit My Wrist (or whoever the newest hard core band is) makes a surprise appearance at the local moshing spot than you can count on being ditched.


And lastly, the career driven, motivated, responsible guy.

He probably reminds you a bit of your dad. He’ll check the air in your tires to make sure you have a safe trip on girl’s weekend and he’s not a bad cook. He’s never made a late payment in his life and he’ll probably put on track to upping your credit score. You may even find yourself maturing in ways you didn’t know were possible and you’ll give him all the credit. This guy has it all, almost…. and he’s not letting anything get in the way of securing that last little part of his life that will mark perfection, including you. He loves his family but probably enjoys hanging out with them more than you. This guy is perfect for you, if only he loved you as much as everything else in his life, including himself.

PLUS: Your parents will love him, you’ll always have financial security and you will never have to bail him out of jail.

MINUS: He’ll pick his mother over you. ‘Nuf said.

Of course one person’s perfect somebody is another person’s NO WAY IN HELL. If you take away nothing else, take this: be strong, be yourself, know what you want and don’t settle for less. It might be scary being alone and you may be afraid of turning into you neighbor who’s still single at 65 but keeps company with her 8 cats. I’d rather have cats than a man that I only like half the time.

Calling All Nice Guys Installment Deux

If you read “Adventures in Dating” and "Calling All Nice Guys installment 1" than you know I’ve got an ax to grind with all the 20-something guys out there. But instead of just ranting, I'm going to offer some advice right from the source. So pay attention to this post boys because obviously you didn’t get the memo (or just tossed it aside because it was the way of your Xbox controller…)

It is not that hard to woo a girl. Let me repeat that, it is not that hard to woo a girl. Over the years I’ve heard many of my guy friends, and dates, say things like “girls are complicated” and “you can never please a girl.” And you think we over analyze everything? Refer back to all those romantic movies your gal pals made you watch. Okay, sorry right you weren’t paying attention to the movie because you were too busy trying to do the fake yawning, throw your arm around her shoulders thing. Well, all those sappy flicks that girls gush over (sure, I do it to) illustrate a few key moves that you should learn:

OPEN THE DOOR. I can’t stress this enough. And no, it’s not good enough to open the door for yourself and hand it off to her. Remember, she’s not your basketball buddy; she’s a girl you’re trying to hook up with. And if you’re not polite and generous out in public, she’s not going to think you’ll be that way behind closed doors. OCD guy not only didn’t open the door for me, he actually walked so fast and far ahead of me that he had to turn his head back to partifipate in the conversation. This says to me “I’m not interested enough."


PAY UP.

Yes, this may sound sexist and I’m sorry but on the first 2-3 dates, the guy should pick up the tab. It shows a girl that she’s worth it. Of course, if your date orders lobster and champagne with out any regard to the cost, especially now a days, than she’s probably not a keeper. I was actually just reading an article in Glamour Magazine (70th issue) that talked about how the dating scene is/will change in regards to the economy. It speculated that guys will probably start coming up with more inventive dates as a means to save some cash. GIRLS LOVE THIS. Anyone can pick a restaurant and a movie, but it takes a lot more thought to plan a fun, cheap date. Pack a picnic and head to the beach. I guarantee this will at least get you to second base. By the fourth date it’s totally acceptable (at least in my book) to go dutch on the bill. Hey, you both work hard for your money and the man shouldn’t be expected to shell out at every turn. I’m also all for the woman picking up the tab every once in a while, especially if you have been dating for an extended period of time. I know allowing a girl to take you out might be tough for some of you guys, but if she’s independent she’ll love that you let her take care of you a little. Oh yes, and let’s not forget about The Meal At Home date. Check out Cook To Bang for recipes and ideas.

PARTICIPATE IN THE CONVERSATION.

Obviously, you should be dating a chica that you share some interests with. If you’re both into sports, great. If you play baseball and she thinks the score is kept in goals than I would suggest you stray from talking ESPN. A good way to always make sure you have some common material to use when the conversation is stretched, watch the news! Know at least the local headlines. Chances are, even if she’s pole dancer, she’ll have something to say about the rise in gas prices. Thong man focused most of his dialogue towards what kind of work out he had planned for the day which allowed me little chance to jump into the conversation. It was hard to explore his personality and find out if we had anything in common when all he could talk about was working his chest. Well, I guess that was his personality…

PUT DOWN THE PHONE! Really, are you texting right now? Who is that on the other line? Another girl? Maybe your GIRLFRIEND? Yes, this has actually happened to me and I find nothing ruder. I’d rather have the guy let the door slam in my face than have him texting back and forth to whomever during dinner. Is he giving his buddies a play by play? Because I can tell them how the game is going to end and it won’t be a high score.

SAY SOMETHING NICE, HOLD MY HAND AND OF COURSE BE YOURSELF.

All those “awwwes” that you hear girls sigh during the romantic comedies usually come at the point when they guy says “You look really nice tonight” then reaches out for his dates hand or throws an arm around her waist. Being sweet will get you places and those places are nice and warm. If you’re not a proponent of PDA that’s fine, you can still toss a compliment her way. Tell her you dig her outfit (because you know she agonized over what to wear and probably changed her clothes five times). Or tell her she has pretty eyes. Don’t go so far as to say staring into her peppers is like looking into a pool of moonlight because that’s just lame and it won’t sound sincere. Tell her your enjoying the conversation and you find her views refeshing. This does double duty, makes her feel all warm and melty because you said something nice AND shows that you're paying attention to her chatter. And I’m sure you’ve heard this one from your mommy, but be yourself. No girl likes it when she’s dating a guy and a few months and then he pulls a Mr. Hyde. We’re the same creatures that do a back round check on a manufacturer before buying their shoes. We like to know what we’re getting into. Especially the time crunched 20-something. We don’t have months to waste getting to know a guy just to have him pull out his alter ego when things get serious. Ponder this for a minute, if you fake your personality to get a girl to stick with you, is she really a good match for you or should she be dating the movie character you ripped off? Things will end badly when she finds out your not actually Tyler Durden unless she’s into split personality disorders.

So there it is guys, just a few simple suggestions. Listen to them and I’m sure your dating game will sky rocket. Remember, on the first few dates you are trying to impress this lady. She’s not ready to see all your quirks or your sweat pants with the Spagehetti O stains. Sharing that part of you is one of the perks that come with a more serious relationship. To put it in manly terms; when you go to a strip club, part of the fun is watching the girl take her clothes off. If you walked in and they were all already naked, wouldn’t some of the thrill be gone? I mean, the best part is when they whip off the glasses and let their hair down at the crescendo of “Hot for Teacher.” Save the fart jokes and slobbering for the crescendo, don’t throw it out there during the intro.

Check it out: How to handle yourself on the first date

Adventures in Dating

Being single, I have found, is quite fun for the most part. Sure, it can get cold and lonely in my bed at night but generally I’m enjoying not being some one’s other and not having to worry about being in trouble for staying out too late. Being back out on the dating scene is exciting, or at least it was at first.

My first date after being in a relationship for three years was, as should be expected, less than fantastic. But I didn’t let it get me down. The next guy was exciting, cute and caught my interest right away. That was until I found out that he was a regular at the tanning salon. Sure, not that strange now-a-days but I was turned off when he modeled the thong he wears in the tanning bed and then obsessively talked about his new work-out regime to the point where there was hardly room in the conversation for anything except his biceps.

Guys: Tongs make women feel sexy but not when they’re boyfriend is wearing them.

The next guy, we’ll call him Bob, was down to earth, into baseball, had a decent job, and kept his apartment really clean. We had fantastic conversations over the phone – hours long and I looked forward to seeing his number pop up on my cell. He even had a dog that unfortunately was old and sick but it was endearing the way he took care of her. That was until we got around to our 4th date or so and he still didn’t want to leave his for fear that his dog might make a mess of things. So our relationship depended on me driving 45 minutes to hang out with him in his living room. Also, the car he did have was not registered so he had to borrow his mom’s every time he wanted to drive. Oh yeah, and that really clean apartment, he spent more on cleaning supplies than I did on gas to hang out with him. You think I’m kidding? He refused to cook chicken for him self because he was afraid of not doing it correctly and was convinced he’d contract Salmonella poisoning. Yeah, and ordered his drinks without ice because you know that restaurant ice is full of germs. I suggested he seek professional help.

OCD is not a turn on. No chick likes being asked to wash her hands twice before getting down and dirty.

Then I met “John”. John was an ice dancing instructor. I know, but he seemed straight. He was very spiritual and into chockra’s and energy. Something right up my alley. He even brought me flowers on our first date. Sparks flew right away and turned into full blown fireworks in the bedroom. That was until we were lying in the dark and I heard him start to sniffle. That sniffle turned into full fledged sobbing and him proclaiming “that was just so beautiful. Sorry, I just give so much of myself when it comes to physical stuff.” Seriously?! Crying?! I was willing to give him another chance but then he showed up at my door one day to announce that I was too jaded from my last relationship. He could FEEL my anger towards my ex. I might be bitter but you’re a cry baby John. Here’s a tissue, go back to mommy.

Being in touch with your feelings is good; touching your feelings all the time is annoying.

The most recent dating drama comes from “Jack”. Jack is sexy, like Usher sexy. Jack and I stumbled into each other (almost literally) at a club. I was gathering my things to leave when he walked by with a group of friends, said something funny and made me laugh. In the midst of my laughter he grabbed me and said “oh your smile, I have to get your number.” Yeah, it melted me too. He proceeded to chase me out of the bar until I submitted and programmed my digits into his cell. Jack held the door for me on our first date, helped me over the ice and was able to hold an entertaining, adult conversation. Jack had direction and was self aware. I was hopefully about Jack. That was until he went on a trip for five days and upon his return text me incessantly proclaiming that he missed me while he was away. “Why won’t you answer my calls? I missed you! Please pick up the phone!” Miss me? We only went on ONE date!

Showing interest makes a girl melt; stocking her makes her file a police report.

Thong man, OCD guy, crying dude and even the guy with smothering issues were fun for a while. But even before I discovered their quirks (some things I can over look but I have to draw the line) no one so far has sent me into crush land. That is except for “David.” But David stood me up and gave a lame excuse for not making an appearance or returning my calls. But he may read this post and I’m feeling he deserves a second chance so I’ll do my David ranting another day.

My date may have blown me off this weekend but I did get a knee weakening kiss from Blacked Out Guy while having a cigarette outside the bar. This is a story I will tell and it goes like this: I was outside smoking and chatting with my friend when Blacked Out Guy came stumbling out of the bar with his slightly more sober friends holding his arms to keep him from face planting in the snow. He asked if anyone had a light, and being the nice person that I am (he might have been drunk but he was a cutie) I offered to light his smoke since allowing him to handle flame didn’t seem safe. He leaned in for the light and noticed my “I’m single and looking pin” (yes I have a button that actually says that and yeah some times it gets me free drinks.). He asked “are you really single?” of course I nodded and then he wrapped his hands in my hair and pulled me in for a seriously breath taking kiss. Apparently his friends had a total freak out that my BFF had to quell (she knows I rarely push away an unsolicited kiss). Then he pulled away and waved good night. Most girls may have had a problem with that but to Blacked Out Guy I say NICE MOVE; get back here with those lips!

So all the dating I’ve done over the past few months has left me saying "send them back to mommy’s kitchen. These cookies aren’t finished baking yet". I mean who raised these animals anyway? What happened to this generation of men, did their parents not teach them how to treat a girl?

Maybe my expectations of the post college age man are just too high. I’ll have to test drive this theory and date a few 30-somethings; aim a little higher in the age range and maybe I’ll meet some guys that have their act together.

Tip of the Day 3.10.09 : To All The Nice Guys

So you say you’re a nice guy right? Then start acting like one. You’ve graduated college and moved in the adult world. Women are expecting you to start acting your age. That means, if you’re going to cancel a date, call. Don’t text and definitely don’t just blow us off. That’s not a nice guy move, that’s a player move and we’re not falling for it any more.

Calling All Nice Guys Installment 1

If my tip of the day today sounds a little p*ssed, that’s because I am. Let’s get right down to it and talk about the kind of men we, as 20-something women are looking for….

In high school, it’s all about the cute guys. Guys with cars, guys on the football team, guys that make other girls look at us and say “wow, I wish he gave me his class ring.” These guys, the BMW driving, jersey wearing popular ones, usually turn out to be the kind of guy that takes you to prom then leaves you at the punch bowl and takes the head cheerleader to a hotel room upstairs (no that didn’t happen to me). Or the kind that takes your virginity then dumps you a week later for a girl that is no where near as good looking (yep, that one did happen to me).

By college, we still haven’t completely grown out of falling for jerks. There is something undoubtedly attractive about frat guys. The problem with frat guys is that they love their beer bongs and video games more than you. And if it’s not frat guys that do it for you, it’s the brooding, creative writing major types. Whom we quickly discover find sulking in a dark room reveling in their depression more interesting than making out.

By the time we’re ready to move out of student housing we have learned a lot about psychology, history, probably a bit about art and certainly plenty about the kind of man we want to date. We’ve learned that frat guys will only leave you stranded at the bar because they got to drunk to remember you were with them and writers don’t have any room left in their hearts for you because they’re too in love with themselves and Robert Frost.

The 20-something women is ready for a little substance and to date The Nice Guy. Yep, nice guys here’s your chance. You don’t finish last, you just join the race a little late. The 20-something lady doesn’t have time for games. We’re too busy running late for a thankless job we bust our butts at because it has the potential of turning into a fabulous career, counting change to put gas in our cars and popping in to visit mom and dad (and get a hot meal) once a week. We want someone that shows up on time because we have no time to waste, has something interesting to say and doesn’t think going to McDonald's’s then sharing a can of beer at make-out hill is a romantic date. We’ve realized that good looking guys on motorcycles might be fun for one night, maybe even a week but they’re not going to make you soup when you’re sick or bring you flowers on your birthday. We’re looking for a guy who has a stable job, doesn’t still live with their parents and actually IS interested in what we have to say.

Side note: Ladies, if you are 20-something (or older) and ARE still waiting for that Harley riding guy to call, step away from the phone and get back to your life because he’s not going to call. And, if he does, it’ll be two weeks from now at about 11:30 Saturday night after he’s had a few and remembers he still has your number. But I promise you, he’s not really interested in your promotion, he’s just saying that so you’ll go back to his place and “tell him all about it.”

So step up nice guys, we’re waiting.

Check out: Marti’s Musings: Dating in your 20’s vs 30’s

Revolution Health: Dating in Your 20s

The 20-something's rules of dating